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Questions You Should be Asking the World Around You

How Not to Dress Like a DoucheBin for 2017. From a Filthy Commoner’s Perspective.

You want to fit in, or you want to stand out.  Being on the cutting edge of fashion, and expressing your personal style. Let’s start from the top and work our way down. A full sweep of fashion dos and don’ts from someone who isn’t a clothing expert, but still knows the meaning of fashion.

1trouble1. Problem glasses.  A red flag for many commoners, the problem glasses can be described as thick plastic framed glasses with pointy ends.  These are usually worn by people who have issues with the wording of laws, and with authority figures.  Usually police officers and conservative college professors.  These people will go to great lengths arguing semantics, as they try to explain to the police officer why driving past an ex husband’s house repeatedly at 3 am isn’t stalking.

2-problemglasses

2. Even pointier problem glasses. A variation of the problem glasses, these thick framed pointies may often be heard being called hipster and fresh, but the irony here is that the shape of the glasses themselves were originally designed for people who are currently living the ages of 70 to 80.  These are granny glasses adapted to complement the wardrobe of the millenium hippie.

3chris3. It is said that the strong wizened man reveals his softer sensitive side through his eyes, but if you must accessorize, at least accesorize with a woman, not like a woman.

 

5hayden4. Darth Vader mastered the dark side. Some say he even knew how to bring life back to the dead. So it’s no wonder that a poweful jedi turned supreme commander of the imperial forces would know how to make himself look smart. Smart and handsome, no homo. Thin wireframe glasses that fit the wearer’s head, you can’t go wrong with that.

6smart5. Smart and fashionable. Not over the top, and still fresh for the new year.  If you want to look like you read a lot of peer reviewed papers, and do a bit of light accounting on the side, this is the way to go. These glasses are also going to be easy to store because of their compact design.

7-stripe6. With Obama fucking off, and with the grip of liberalism unraveling, the time to take a weed whacker to those eyebrows is now. If you use a razor to shape your eyebrows, you might as well go the full gait and de-thicken them too.

8bambam7. Proportions.  Many straight males insist on wearing nut hugging jeans, but the problem is they look bad with almost everything.  It is an absolute phenomenon the way fashion has regressed to straight men wanting to constrict the flow of blood to their sexual organs.  If you have to wear skinny jeans, at least wear a form fitting jacket to go with it.

9-dirty8. The “I could afford these $120 jeans and a matching sweatshirt, but I couldn’t afford a haircut look.”  Dreds are bad enough that they catch every little thing from dirt, to fine confetti, to bugs and larvae, but to dye them blond and cap them off with an ill fitting hat, it just tells people that you don’t have your priorities straight.  Haircut first, clothes later.

10gaudy9. Gaudy clothes. These things aren’t warm at all, and the gold bits tend to catch on to everything.  Wooden tables, rough fingernails, concrete, crusty skin, etc.  Your $120 investment into this throwback to Bon Jovi and roller derbies will soon find it’s way into the charity bin when the gold and embroidered bits start to look like worn carpet.

11-proportions

10. Proportions part deux. This montage starts out strong with nut hugging jeans and a perfectly fitting checkered shirt, but it drastically gets worse as the images careen to the right. It just shows the need to re-inforce a rule, that if you must wear nut hugging jeans, don’t drape the queen’s curtains on top of it.

12-pretentious-jpg-large

11. Want to look poor, dumb, and freeze your tits off all at the same time? This is the way to do it.  As if it wasn’t bad enough that there is a distinct absence of a bowflex onboard this private jet, this person felt it was necessary to tweet a visual aid of what a hoodrat would look like if you mixed one with a European street hooker.

13-justright

12. Just right. Simple, elegant.  Not a lot of distractions, but the stripes elevate this outfit way past the boundaries of boring. It’s an uncanny blend of standing out, and fitting in.  This person has her shit together, so she’s out shopping to celebrate.

14-useful

13. Simple, and very appropriate for the city scene. A warm coat and the bright scarf, nice pants and shoes. This person looks like a government agent, or someone from management.  People tend to be more comfortable around people who appear to have leadership qualities.

15-donghyuk14. There’s nothing worse than pants that were worn by your grandfather, but were fitted for a 4th grader. Why ruin the look of a good shirt by wearing ugly pants? The pant legs need to cover the socks, otherwise you’d look like a fool, or a retard, or both.

16-hadid

15. The age old question: should Superman wear his underwear on the outside, or inside? In this instance, this person couldn’t decide and just went with both.

17-virgin

16. The innocent look. Very nice, very fresh, it gives the impression of smelling good and being clean. Friendly, and non threatening. A bit too Ukrainian for me personally. Too bad Ukraine is currently ruled by Neo-Nazis and Hitler apologists.  Otherwise this would be great for girls at picnics, and wet T-shirt parties.

18-hip

17. Do you want to have every man in a 30 meter radius whip their necks to get a good look at you? This blue/blue denim combo, and red purse outfit will do it.  I just picked this photo because it was very eye catching.

19-new

18. Shoes make the man, and if you have to buy designer shoes, go with Gucci. These shoes represent a good mix between sporty and expensive.

20-anemone

19. Are those street sweepers? Are these the perfect shoes for sanitation engineers? What’s the volume of dirt per minute on these puppies?

21-creepers

street1

20. More street brushes. In eccentric industrial circles, these can double as musical instruments. Shwush shwush shwush brrrrrrr!

22-balenciaga

21. It’s as if a 12 year old took a box cutter to a pencil eraser.  I wouldn’t doubt it if he was a Back to the Future fan too.  It’s as if the shoe-maker tried to make a cross section of the prototype, but said “fuck it, that’s what we’ll charge people money for.”

Imagine all the sprained ankles.

23-joeyboot

22. GOAT.  This is how you impress the men. In refugee camps…

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This entry was posted on 01/03/2017 by in Asia, EU, NA, Russia and tagged , , , , .

Questions You Should be Asking the World Around You

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